Subscribe to Every Post:One of the common messages teens hear today is the message of abstinence. The message goes something like this:
“Make a commitment to not have sex until you are married. God wants you to ‘save yourself sexually’ for your future mate. Just think of how beautiful it would be for you to give your future spouse the gift of your virginity. Not only does God want you to wait until you are married, there are also many other practical reasons it is good and right to not be sexually active before marriage. STD’s are common today among sexually active teens. You are placing your body and your future spouse at risk if you place yourself in a position to get one of the many STD’s. Safe sex or protected sex is not only no guarantee against STD’s or potential pregnancy, it violates God divine plan for sexual purity. ”
This is the basic message of abstinence. The main problem with this message is that it sets the bar too low. Remaining a virgin until one gets married is a worthy desire, but it is an inadequate substitute for true, godly purity.
The reason the message of abstinence is inadequate is because godly purity is about a heart and mind of purity – not simply the abstinence of a physical act. Understanding this distinction is critical in pursuing deep and inward sexual purity. Consider the following verses:
“For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.” (Matt. 15:19)
“I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl.” (Job 31:1)
“But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.” (Eph. 5:3)
Sexual purity from a biblical perspective means that sexual thoughts only occur within a marriage relationship. Sexual purity is a mind and heart issue. All impurity begins in the mind. That is the battleground of pursuing purity. Sexual acts always begin in the mind. This is why abstinence or avoiding STD’s are inadequate (they address behavior). Someone can remain a virgin and yet be filled with immorality in the mind and in various kinds of actions. This also is the impetus for the question, “how far is too far?” When sexual purity is relegated to curbing behavior, there will always be a question of where the line should be.
However, when purity is pursued in the mind, the line simply becomes anything that instigates impure thoughts. This is not difficult to determine.
Practically, we have been trying to plant some initial seeds in the minds of our children (who are elementary age). The window of opportunity we have capitalized on is t.v. Television shows aimed at elementary children already begin at a young age with the concepts of boyfriend, girlfriend, kissing, etc. We have had numerous conversations with our children that these kinds of pursuits are not appropriate for their age and are really more appropriate when one gets into college. When our kids see these things on t.v. now (even among their own age level shows) their radars go up, and they know these things are not appropriate for them.
As parents we have a great opportunity to plant seeds before they get into middle school and high school when these feelings become much stronger. We are trying to build parameters in their minds early in the process that romance is really for those who are much older (even though the media begins planting these thoughts into children who are in elementary and middle school).
Again, this is another opportunity for us as parents to train our kids to know the difference between how the world lives and how followers of Christ live. They are being inundated already as second and third graders that pursuing romantic feelings is acceptable and normal for kids or even teens in school. We are doing what we can to shape them in a very different way. It is helping them develop the muscle of morality when they are still very young.
We pray almost every day for our kids purity – not just that they will be virgins when they get married, but biblical purity in the heart and mind.
February 20th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
Wow, no comments yet… I’m still trying to wrap my head around this one. On one hand, I think you’ve presented a fantastic perspective here that should apply to more than just sex. If we concentrated on our relationship with God rather than worldly things in all areas, we’d all live perfect lives. This becomes the “other hand” though. Impure thoughts do happen. Sin does happen. The beauty is that we have been saved by grace. We will never on this world be like Jesus. It is by His grace alone that we are sanctified.
To be honest, my gut reaction was, “What an unrealistic view.” It’s truly an ideal view, but the pitfall is that in avoiding a legalistic view on sex, we instead set up a legalistic view on our thoughts. “Oh no, I thought an impure thought. I’m unworthy.” Yet, again on the other hand, should we continue in sin so that grace may abound? May it never be!
So, how do we teach our kids to live a pure life in the grace of God without off-handedly burying them under the law? How do we teach them to be pure while teaching them that it’s ok to screw up?
I grew up with a very legalistic, law-based view on life that left me feeling like I had to somehow be good enough for God to love me. I knew that Christ died for me, yet I still beat myself up in guilt every time I screwed up. Even now I remind myself constantly that the beauty of grace is that you can’t earn it. I now struggle with how to teach this concept to my own children in a real way that leaves them liberated in Christ. Thanks so much for this perspective.
March 1st, 2009 at 9:26 pm
yeah right, keep dreaming!