Subscribe to Every Post:Reflection #2 Humble Confidence
During my sabbatical in May and June of this year, God spoke to my heart in several ways (personal life, marriage life, ministry life). Here is another sabbatical reflection from my personal life.
As I reflect back on my 14 years of full-time ministry, I think I struggled with pride particularly the first several years. It was not a pride that necessarily had a lot of outward manifestations, but it was probably more inward. People would regularly complement me on the job I was doing and the way God was using me in the lives of others, and I often attributed it to my hard work and dedication. In other words, I gave myself more credit than I deserved.
I knew pride in my heart was one of the sins I struggled with, and so I prayed often for humility.
During my middle years of ministry, maybe years 6 through 10, God allowed me to experience some struggles in ministry that really brought brokenness. Those difficult times brought a deep humility in me that I had never experienced in the past. As I reflect on those difficult times today, I would not change one thing because of the way God used it for good in my life.
The last few years of ministry, however, I think I have been so fearful of pride that I have swung the pendulum over too far the other way. When a person is over-consumed with pursuing humility he is often highly self-critical, avoids and attempts to undermine any complements people might give him, he focuses on his shortcomings more than any spiritual progress he might be making, and he minimizes and almost denies the importance of his contribution to the body of Christ (using his gifts and passions for ministry).
I think I have felt all of these things in recent years. I have minimized the importance of my role at Grace (at times questioning if it is even needed). Whereas in the early years of ministry, after receiving a compliment I might think to myself, “Yeah, I am pretty good aren’t I?” In the last few years, after receiving a compliment I would be more inclined to think, “Yeah right, it wasn’t that good, if you only knew how many areas I need to improve in my life.”
What God showed me during my sabbatical is that self-deprecation is not humility. I don’t need to devalue the gifts God has given me in his kingdom and that my role and influence are actually important. Instead of believing that God has little use for me, maybe God wants to use me to influence far more people in the future than he has in the past. If that was the case, would I be up for the challenge? Can I swing the pendulum more toward the middle away from both extremes of pride on one side and false humility (self-deprecation) on the other side?
Humility is not about thinking less of myself; humility, rather, is about thinking of myself less. It is giving God the credit and the glory (never stealing it from him outwardly or inwardly), but also recognizing that he uses human vessels to accomplish his divine plans – even people like you and me. This means that we have real worth in God’s eyes, and that he can and wants to use us – even though we are imperfect.
What I am now pursuing in my life is a humble confidence in how God wants to use me. I believe God wants me to increase my faith in how he might want to use me in the future. This is not a prideful elevation of myself but a humble willingness to allow him to use me to influence one person or one million people for his kingdom (whatever he chooses).
I am not there yet, but I am excited to see God give me a more balanced, healthy, and biblical perspective as I make myself more available to him with both genuine humility and expectant faith and confidence.
July 27th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Chris; Isn’t it wonderful how God works with us so we can see out of our own experiences and heart where the pendulum is swinging, and how far is to far. I see him delighting in us so much ( he is wild about us) so we can grow up in him. Now I do not like depression but if I never new what low was, I would never know what high was. God is always triming at the branches. Great insight. love ya brother.